Preamble
Bank holiday Monday post-festival I was sat at home in Vauxhall whilst my flatmate and I began the process of piecing our lives back together. Washing clothes, washing the house, washing ourselves. Vitamins, nutrition, tea, coffee, tooth whitening. You know the drill. Starting to feel like an adult after a weekend of escapism. Sometimes those weekends are needed, and they make the adult cleanup days all the sweeter.
I started to think about how I feel…within. I feel largely at peace with myself, in comparison to how I felt in my teens. Airy fairy and notional, but is this "feeling at peace" what being an “adult” is?
That brought me on to thinking about the temporality of the change. In some ways I feel the same as I did at 18 but in most ways, and approaching 28, a lot of the noise that filled my brain in my teens has subsided. Things just aren’t that deep anymore, and a lot of the worries I used to have, whether about friends, work or life and the future, just aren’t there anymore. When did this power-up occur? Rather than thinking about ascending an escalator in stages or making your way over stepping stones – both of which imply you could always fall back down – I like to think of it as undergoing your own Pokémon evolution.
What changes then between the end of the teenage years and the end of the twenties? Everyone will have had different paths but for those it is applicable to, I think the biggest catalyst for change is at the end of the teens when you are taken out of the tunnel vision of school exams and are pushed into uni. Life up until that point is lived within the constraints of being a minor, not really knowing what is going on, and having no power over most big decisions. Then suddenly, you are off to fend for yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally. Your energy is given over to fulfilling your basic needs like feeding yourself, trying to get a degree, pretending to be a functioning human being. At some point you realise that attaining each step (A-levels, degree, *insert whatever goal*) is fuelled by running on the adrenaline of the 'to-dos'. After uni comes job, after job comes consolidation, after consolidation comes...? Where is the room for enjoying it all? Learning to take a step back from the pac-manning actually allowed me to really think about what I want, how I want to live, and who I want to be.
The lessons I have learnt have either come in (a) painless moments of realisation; (b) heavy knockouts; or are (c) bugbears that niggle and wobble around within you until they are brought to the fore and you are forced to deal with them.
Some things I have learnt
1. There is actually a benefit to separating your clothes washing into “white”, “dark” and “colours” (this took me a surprisingly long time to accept as a concept and as a practical reality).
2. The more people you meet, the better.
3. Food expiry dates are more of a guideline than a rule. If it smells ok, it is probably not going to kill you.
4. Less is more, except when more is more: then more is more.
5. There is almost always an (imperfect) solution to things.
6. There is not much an emergency banana and two litres of water can’t cure.
7. If you are about to smash the computer on the table, walk away.
Some “deeper” lessons can be framed by the themes that life is a marathon and not a sprint and that the best analysis for any situation is: cost versus reward.
1. You can’t please everyone, and it is not worth your energy to prove you are something to someone (i.e. a “good” person).
There can be a pressure to always self-justify and sell yourself. This is exacerbated by personal branding culture and the need to market yourself as a commodity on the job and “socials” market. On top of this, there is a lack of patience left in the Western liberal countries for those who do not take responsibility for their actions. At least in certain regulated professions (medicine, finance, law) where there is a steady stream of professional negligence cases, there is a constant need to account for your decision-making. On the one hand this is good because there is transparency built into systems and processes. On the other hand, individuals and businesses are under constant and enormous pressure to self-justify. This is all with the threat of losing your livelihood, and having it splashed all over the internet. On the personal scale, if someone has a preconception or a misconception of you, having to always prove you are not that which they think you are, is exhausting. You can’t please everyone, and is it really worth the energy trying? The proof as they say is in the pudding, and if those people stick around long enough, they will see that you probably aren’t a psychopath.
2. What is for you won’t go by you, but you also don’t have to try/do everything.
Some people don’t need to try everything on the menu to make sure they ordered right. For those who do, you can try to try everything but also you can work smarter, not harder. If you know you like eggs, get the eggs. That being said, variety is the spice of life. It is good to try new things, your tastes may have changed or you might just want something new. However, letting yourself get to a place where you are forever craving and chasing novelty is not likely to bring satisfaction. You don't have to have done everything already, and just because you haven't done it already, doesn't mean you won't. If it is meant to be, it will be, and if not then it was probably not worth it. Also, no meal choice is that deep – it’s just food.
3. You do not always need to get the deal.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. The amount of energy expended on discount and bargain hunting is often more than “taking the L” (taking the loss) is worth. The freedom of letting go of the entitlement of the refund is priceless.
4. Life is contradictory and sometimes you just have to laugh at it; the situation; or yourself. Otherwise crying is also a viable and valid option.
Other lessons
I asked a broad range of friends about the ‘lessons they learnt in their twenties’. Their ages range from 23 – 66. It is interesting to see that despite the different times and locations those people experienced or are experiencing their twenties in, and whatever Zeitgeist was operative at each time, there remain some general themes. One friend’s top 5 tips I found particularly useful:
Tip 1: be confident in yourself, challenge others.
A lot of what people say is predominately bullshit. They want to make themselves feel good by putting you down. Most likely not intentionally but on some inner level. You’re definitely not the dumbest person in the room, but also be humble, you’re most likely not the smartest.
Tip 2: Don’t go with the first boy/girl that smiles at you.
Flirting and getting attention from pretty people is great. But sometimes the best relationships/friendships are the ones that don’t happen immediately. They develop. There are traits about people that become beautiful. This is true for both romantic and platonic relationships.
Tip 3: Taking the time to look someone in the eyes and say thank you goes a long way.
Call it karma, call it killing with kindness, call it what you want. Whenever you speak to someone rudely/curtly, think… is that how you would like to be spoken to?
Tip 4: Always wear suncream on your face.
Tip 5: Take any opportunity to live or study abroad.
The people I’ve met through a study exchange or living abroad have always been completely different to the folks I have grown up with. Both in positive and less positive ways. I think these experiences make you: realise different worldwide perspectives, realise what you like and don’t like and appreciate you what have.
Pockets of Wisdom
o I’ve learnt to be more chilled out about not being chilled out.
o It’s OK to say ‘no’ when people ask unreasonable favours.
o My parents were not as hopeless as I thought they were when I was in my teens.
o Don’t feel intimidated by people around you that seem to have it all figured out. No one really knows what they are doing – especially not in their twenties.
o Hydration is key.
o Listen to your parents (or at least consider their opinions). A lot of the time they’ve actually got a point.
o It is not always an upwards trajectory.
o If you’re unhappy with your choice of career – change it. It’s OK to try different things and you’re not “too old” to start something new. No one is really going to care in ten years’ time when exactly you started doing what you’re doing.
o Toast with Sriracha is not a diet.
o What you may judge as good or bad at one point may change at another point – stay flexible.
o Concentrate on doing the things you enjoy – that way you can develop yourself and build your own opinions. Don’t let yourself be influenced by others.
o Don’t get caught up in traditions that other people have planned for you or want for you, those traditions turn into “what ifs?” and then before you know it the “what ifs?” aren’t possible anymore. If you don’t follow traditions, you don’t feel like you’re missing anything in your thirties.
o I learnt a lot. About work, people, love, marriage. Living away from my country and seeing my country with fresh eyes. I learnt not to go on a skiing holiday and expect the bank to extend my overdraft. And that a Ford Capri 2.8 litre GLX starts to take off at 114mph.
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this blog post! There was an overwhelming amount of support and tips sent in and I wish I could have included them all. I at least feel like I have benefited from your pearly wisdom.